Dating do’s and Don’ts

Using my ever growing knowledge of both online and real world dating, I have discovered some do’s and don’ts that may help some of you lonely folks find companionship.
Here are my top 10:

1) Do venture forth into your local community and find a social club or two to occupy your free time. If you don’t have any free time, your going to have to give up something to have a relationship anyway, so you might want to pack in one of those hobbies that you have loved for 15 years or get used to saying “table for one, please”.


2) Don’t sign up to any online dating sites, unless:
A) you live in a place where all the inhabitants are related to you
B) there are no inhabitants where you live
C) your looking to drown yourself in a pool of sorrow.

3) Do take care of your health. A healthy person is far more attractive to the opposite gender, as it gives the impression you can last forever in the bedroom and be able to do that move on page 63 of the Kama Sutra. Besides, nothing is more off putting than dating someone whose body parts keep dropping into the soup.


4) Don’t reply to any of your online matches first messages. This shows that you’re not desperate and are open to to being seduced over time. That being said, if anyone sends you more than one message at a time they are obviously too needy and should be blocked right away.

5) Do find an outlet for your frustrations as dating can be difficult and time consuming. I would suggest creating a blog to vent your thoughts into some comedic written form, but there are far to many muppets doing that already. My other suggestion is to find a quiet room, lock the door and think happy thoughts.


6) Don’t spend too long online looking for a relationship. These things happen when you’re not looking for them, so after filling in your profile don’t go searching though those matched profiles, they will find you. Bait your hook and wait for the fish…ladies…mermaids? Whatever.

7) Do enjoy yourself when you’re out and about in public. This shows potential mates that you are happy with your life and won’t be an emotional burden (or tedious date). If people tend to run away screaming and the police keep turning up to ask you to put your clothes back on, you’re enjoying yourself too much.


8) Don’t pay any online subscription for the ability to read messages until you get at least one message in you inbox. That’s the moment to pony up and pay your subscription, so that you can read your delayed welcome message from the dating sites creators. Sucker.

9) Do grow a beard. Growing a lovely faceful of fuzz shows that you have respect for your natural form and that you are a non-conformist. I also recommend that the men grow a beard as well.


10) Don’t hope to find any love on online dating sites. At best, look forward to being noticed at least once every century by that accidental click. It’s a much happier way to live.

Well I hope you all find this information greatly useful, I certainly wished someone was there to hand me these pointers before I started.

Once again, best wishes to all my followers out there, and don’t forget to tell your friends about me, especially if they are single!


2 thoughts on “Dating do’s and Don’ts

  1. No.2 threw me until I realised you were being sarcastic. Is Yeovil a wee place? I’m not familiar with that part of the country, so I don’t know what size of population it has. You make it sound tiny, which is not a great starting point when looking for a mate. Although the residents of Albert Square seem to do alright. But do you really want to pair up with someone who’s been shagged by all of your friends and relatives(?)

    I hope you haven’t had any more visits from the police. You’ll get a bad reputation and that won’t help your dating prospects at all. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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