Tomorrow night, I shall take my search for love from the digital world to the real world. Yes, I am taking my awesome beardy baldness out into the world to enjoy some drinks and dancing with a few of my friends. While we’re out and about, I plan to make myself available. Very obviously available. I’d wear a sign if it wouldn’t look weird. One thing that people always advise is don’t go mad on the prep. Whether it’s for a first date or just a night of hopeful merry-making, the worst possible thing is to overdo it. Sound advice… So I started preparing today. There are certain things which must be done ahead of time.
Tonight I had a long, luxurious bath. I’ll shower tomorrow, of course, but no-one ever ruined their chances by smelling too good. I ran myself a nice, deep, hot bath, popped in a couple of bath bombs, a capful of Herbal Essences, a dash of Matey bubble bath and a bottle of mouthwash. That last bit was a mistake but I can cope with having a minty member and gleaming white buttocks.
It took me most of today to decide on a shirt. I’ll be wearing jeans, that’s not a problem, but the shirt is key. Initially, I opted for a blue check shirt. Then I thought red might be better, but soon realised that it clashed with the bloodshot in my eyes, caused by staring at OK Cupid for hours on end. I toyed with a denim shirt, then remembered that the nineties were a long time ago and my mullet days were over. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Flapping rapidly from shirt to shirt, I looked like a gingham police light. Eventually, I picked out a black shirt which would hide the spillages when I try to do the Macarena with a pint of diesel in each hand.
WORKING ON MY GAME:
No, I’m not that much of an idiot. I don’t believe in cheesy chat-up lines or any of that pick-up artist palaver, in fact I think people like that are complete tools. I think a cheeky one-liner has it’s place at times, icebreakers and what-have-you, but generally I just make myself approachable, allow conversations to open freely and see where things go. Of course, none of that’s worked up to now so tomorrow I’m going to try setting up a kiss-a-gram booth in the corner of the dance floor and to hell with it.